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You didn’t set out to dig a grave today. Rarely do any of us. Hey, no judgement here friendo, in fact, welcome to the gravedigger’s club, you look like you’ll fit in here nicely. I’m not going to ask too many questions, frankly the less I know the better. So let’s get right into it.
Webster’s dictionary defines a grave as a deep-ass hole that’s horny for a dead person, probably. I’m no egghead, I’m a man with grave digging advice and here is the first tip: Preparation. This isn’t a movie or some awesome prestige drama. You don’t just pull up to a potential gravesite, grab a shovel out of the back, cut to commercial and 2 minutes later have yourself a nicely dug grave. This is back-breaking labour. I cannot stress this enough. Digging a giant ass hole in the ground sucks ass and it takes for-fucking-ever. Though, lucky for you, it’s not all doom and gloom. This is where being a psychopath can really come in handy. If you plan your grave digging far enough in advance you can tailor your workouts to target the necessary muscle groups to help achieve maximum grave diggingness. This simple change, along with a shift in diet and sleep schedule, will give you the best head start you could ask for. If you feel tired, take a break. Stay hydrated. Your adrenaline will probably be running wild by this point but that’s no excuse to forget the three P’s of grave digging: Protein, protein, and protein. Bring a snack. If packing ahead, take into account that you might not be that into eating meat at this particular moment in time. A summery mix of quinoa, black bean, and hardboiled egg makes for a great energy booster that will give you some time to be totally present and mindful of the situation you find yourself in. You are putting in a lot of hard work, take some time to appreciate yourself for it with some yummy nourishment.
Do yourself a favour and take a look in your shed, or wherever you keep your grave digging tools, and ask yourself, “Would I dig a grave with any of this arcane equipment?” Remember, it’s important to be honest with yourself at this stage. Yes, the idea of digging a grave with your grandpa’s tools is very romantic, but what are you going to do when you hit a layer of bedrock and that 100-year-old shovelhead snaps off? Is grandpa going to help you out then? No, he’s laying peacefully in his own…
